🦅✨ A FOURTH OF JULY DISPATCH, FROM THE EAGLE HIMSELF ✨🦅

🦅✨ A FOURTH OF JULY DISPATCH, FROM THE EAGLE HIMSELF ✨🦅

Friends, patriots, degenerates —

It is I, the Eagle, mascot and moral compass (lol) of your favorite Portland dive, returning from the ashes of another summer weekend to report on what can only be described as a fully sanctioned display of American chaos.

Let the record show: we played lawn darts. Real ones. The banned kind, the kind your uncle got yelled at for in 1987, the kind that made someone yell "I HAVE A TETANUS SHOT ACTUALLY" like that settled anything. Nobody died. One flip-flop did not survive.

There was a clam bake. I want to be honest with you — I do not know where we were. There was sand. There was a tarp. There was a man named either Gary or Terry who "knew a guy with a truck full of seaweed" and delivered on that promise completely. The clams were incredible. I have no further information and I've made peace with that.

And of course — the drinking games. Beer pong evolved into something called "Freedom Pong" around hour four, the rules of which involved a bald eagle bottle opener and someone's aunt. She won. She's still winning. She may never stop winning.

Anyway. In the name of closing this out with some actual usefulness, here's what's getting made for the big day:

🍒 RED, WHITE & HAMMERED JELLO SHOTS

1 pkg blue raspberry jello, 1 pkg cherry jello, 1 can sweetened condensed milk (for the white layer)

Make each color separately with half the water called for on the box, subbing the other half for vodka

White layer: bloom 1 packet unflavored gelatin in ¼ cup cold water, dissolve in ½ cup hot water + ¼ cup sugar, stir in ½ cup condensed milk + splash of vodka or coconut rum

Layer red → chill 20 min → white → chill 20 min → blue, in shot cups

Do not operate lawn darts after four of these

🍉 THE "1776 RESERVE"

(a.k.a. the reason nobody remembers the fireworks)

2-3 whole watermelons, halved or hollowed out, chunked or left as vessels — your call on presentation, chaos either way

A genuine gallon (or several) of vodka, plus a bottle of Everclear if you're feeling patriotic in the most legally ambiguous sense

Gallons of fresh fruit punch or juice blend — pineapple, cranberry, orange, whatever's cheap in bulk

Fresh fruit: pineapple chunks, orange slices, strawberries, more watermelon

Huge blocks of ice (freeze water in big tupperware or a cooler ahead of time — no wimpy cubes, they'll melt into a weak sad puddle by hour two)

Clean bathtub, obviously. Line with ice first, nestle the watermelon(s) and fruit around it, pour liquor and juice over everything, stir with something you're not attached to

Let it sit an hour so the watermelon soaks it up. Ladle generously. Regret nothing until tomorrow Some say if you leave it in the tub long enough, it stops being punch and starts being a legacy. A living document. By Labor Day it's got opinions. By Thanksgiving it's applying for citizenship. By next July 4th it's not punch anymore, it's a founding father — bitter, powerful, and technically illegal in three states.

Do not disturb the tub. Let it ratify itself.

🥔 THE "SPUDIE" (bar's honestly better name than whatever this technically is — loaded potato salad, but make it a whole personality)

3 lbs baby potatoes, boiled and smashed, not diced — smashed

Bacon, a lot of it, plus the fat for dressing

Sour cream + mayo + grainy mustard + chives + sharp cheddar

Salt aggressively, this is not the moment for restraint

🦞 THE MARTHA LOBSTER SITUATION (SERVES ~45) For when you've decided the party needs actual crates of lobster and you are, in fact, unhinged in the most aspirational way possible: think giant tubs of court bouillon going on multiple stovetops or an outdoor propane burner, whole lobsters cooked in batches, then a wheelbarrow-adjacent amount of drawn butter, lemon wedges by the crate, and enough newspaper-lined folding tables to make it look like a crime scene from a very good crime. Corn and potatoes go in the same pot at the end to finish. You will need help. You will need a permit, spiritually.

Happy Fourth. Don't lose a flip-flop. 🎆🦅